I’m Not Old I’ve Just Been Here A Long Time

When I was a young girl I used to dream of being all grown up, doing whatever I wanted to do, with no one to tell me what to do, or, where to go, but these are the thoughts of the immature…childish day dreams…

Looking back on those days I smile and give a little sigh…I’ve come to learn that those wishes are no more true than the ones I have today…I’ve walked through some heavy rains…waited out many storms…the trek of life is not easy and it’s not meant to be I guess. The years with seasons come and go, day in, and day out, thoughts of what was and what is and what’s to come, still wander through my mind.

Getting older the body slows down, grows stiff and weak…giving the mind lots of time to think about many things…

I watched my mother grow old, become feeble but gained a whole lot of wisdom. I saw her grow stronger in the Lord, she’d read her Bible and learned to take One-day-at-a-time…and I watched her take her last breaths and move on into the next life…

I’ve grieved and missed her ever since…

Sometimes, now, I see her looking back at me through my eyes…the eyes she gave me…I look down and see her hands…once young and flawless…now wisdom spots begin to emerge and fingers get tired…I get up to sweep the floor and it’s a real challenge to stand. Bones creak and struggle under the load of the body …the aging process progresses as it should…

I laugh and joke about age and repeat mama’s words, “I’m not old; I’ve just been here a long time.”

I watch my sons growing older too…as they have families of their own. Living their lives and learning as they go.

I know the curse of divorce, as it hits families with a terrible force, and I pray… “Oh God, help them.” I know the devastation of such things and what it will mean in years to come. Brokenness, regret, loneliness, extended families, hurt and pain…Life is hard…but God is good.

My perfect dream was to have a family and a home where there would be Christmas dinners and long talks about memories we all share…My perfect dream was buying that special gift that would bring Ah’s to the receiver and see the joy on my grandchildren’s faces of wonder and delight, sparkles in their eyes. Laughter and happy moments as years would go by. But there are no perfect dreams…only life.

They say life is what you make it. Maybe that’s true. But I think if it was true I’d have made mine a lot different. The thing is you don’t know how it’s going to turn out until years down the road. One things for certain if you are blessed to live a long, hard, life…you get to enjoy the good and the not so good…God has all our days numbered and I’m most grateful for coming to know him when I was a young-girl and that my grandmother and my mother taught me to have faith in God. It’s His grace that has kept me all these years.

All I know is that we should be grateful for the relationships we have in our lives and celebrate each person for who they are. You know, Love doesn’t cost one penny…yet it is the most valuable of anything in this world. I am not talking about selfish love, because well that isn’t love at all.

I’m talking about a Love that is giving. It’s selfless, honest, pure, faithful, not angry, it doesn’t seek its own desires…it’s a Love that is holy…it’s a love that puts others first and does not gossip or kill or harm…the Love I’m talking about only comes from one source, it is supernatural and cannot be bought or sold… it cannot be shattered or wasted…this Love comes from the creator of Love…For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life…John 3:16 I learned this verse as a child. I have never forgotten it. It’s so very important to teach children to memorize Scripture. It sustains us throughout our life. It gives us wisdom and insight. It is God’s living word.

I’ve traveled many roads…seen foreign lands and known many people…

I’ve written a whole lot of words…and read many books…

I’ve been a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, mother-in-law, and a friend…

I’ve done things I’m not proud of and done many things I’m glad I did…

I’ve enjoyed the miracle of motherhood and suffered the loss of loved ones through their death…missing them knowing one day I’ll see them again…

I’ve been young and now am old…I’ve lived through seven decades and witnessed many changes in this ole world…

There have been twelve U.S. Presidents in my life-time so far…

Lately I’ve been pondering all these things and life appears to be surreal…the world I knew is nothing like the world I’m living in…

People now connect through technology…reminds me of Alex Haley’s Brave New World…only it’s not so brave and not so new…but the test tube babies…and virtual reality, we are now witnessing day-dreams coming to life…I don’t seem to fit here…and yet I’m called to a purpose…God does not change…He is still the same…if our ancestors of over 2000 years ago lived today…can you imagine waking up after over 2000 years in the year 2017…well that’s how I feel…

Like I’m living in a world that is unfamiliar to me…a world I don’t understand and cannot fathom for the life of me…how it became so sick…words are twisted and don’t mean what they are supposed to mean…morals are laughed at…doing what’s right is looked down upon and every perversion known and unknown is accepted…

I can imagine how John the Baptist must have felt and Paul and the disciples and Bonhoeffer, men who fought evil, and gave their lives for a world that held no place for them…they looked forward to another world…where love and joy and peace is practiced and lived. No threat of hate or death. This is not a fantasy…this is reality…

As Christians we are living in this world but we are not to be of it…living without judgments…forgive always…stay true to who you know, and what you know…

With age comes wisdom and responsibility. A responsibility to proclaim, to warn, to shout WAKE UP…

As the old song goes…This world is not my home…I’m just a passing through…my treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue…the angels beckon me from heaven’s open door, and I can’t, feel at home, in this world anymore…

O Lord you know I have no friend like you, if heaven’s not my home dear Lord what will I do…the angels beckon me from heaven’s open door and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore…

I love my sons and daughters-in-law and grandbabies…I love my husband and extended family. I love my friends and all those God has placed within my path. I pray for all those who are lost and haven’t found their way yet…

I’m going to live until I die…and while I’m here…I will write and pray and read and laugh and keep on going until my last breath… I’LL PROCLAIM…the Gospel of Jesus Christ…Amen!!! For He is My PASSION!

Growing old is a blessing, especially when we know we are forever young…

~M.S. O’Neill December 18, 2017

Proverbs 16:31 The Message (MSG) Gray hair is a mark of distinction, the award for a God-loyal life.